Many of us pride ourselves on being selfless and helping others, but has your selflessness caused you to lose control of your own life? Sometimes our need to please other people can spiral out of control until one day, you wake up and you are living your life for others and not yourself.
If that sounds life you, don’t worry!
In this post, we will cover the main signs that you are living your life for others as well as tips to help you fix that and take back control of your own life.
As cheesy as it sounds, we all only get one life. So it is crucial that you use your time to live authentically, and be completely true to yourself and your desires.
You would be surprised how easy it is to find yourself in this position. As children, we crave our parents or our teachers praise, and unless you are extremely self-sufficient from a young age, it is very hard to break out of that “needing to please” mindset.
That is why the key to breaking out of this habit and taking control of your own life again is self-awareness. You need to develop the ability to see any situation and make the decision that aligns not only with your personal values, but also your future dreams.
Before we focus on the signs you are living your life for others, let’s look at the dangers of doing that, and what it could mean for your life.
Dangers of living your life for others:
- You may never feel satisfied with your own achievements.
- You may never accomplish your dreams.
- You will lose your Identity and your authenticity.
- Could be seriously misled if you are pleasing the wrong people.
- You may never take risks and this will stop your personal growth, and limit your potential.
These are just a few possibilities that could arise from not living your authentic life. Don’t panic, you may not experience all of them and there is always time to reverse them once you start living your life for yourself.
So let’s dive straight in to the signs you are living life for others, so that you can soon take back that control and start living the life of your dreams!
Signs You are Living Life for Others
Seeking External Validation
The first and possibly biggest sign that you are living your life for others is if you constantly look for approval from other people. Perhaps you need to ask all of your friends and family what they think before you accept a job offer. Or maybe you always ask your friend’s opinion before wearing a new outfit.
If you are constantly looking for other people’s approval, that is an indication that you get your self-worth from external sources and not from within.
This is a major problem because all of your confidence and self-esteem is then tied to other people’s opinions. Not only does this mean other people can essentially make or break you, but it also makes it very challenging for you to make your own decisions that align with your true self.
How to fix it:
Start by asking your own opinion before asking anyone else’s. Acknowledge what you truly feel before you are influenced by others. This should give you an indication of your true feelings and your true self.
Over time, you can empower yourself by choosing to follow your opinion over anyone else’s. And soon after you should feel more confident with making your own decisions without having to ask for opinions at all.
This will be a slow process as you are essentially re-training you brain after years of conditioning. But as long as you stick with it and respect the weight of your own opinion, you will be taking back control in no time.
Ignoring your true Passions
If you are constantly trying to please other people, it is very easy to neglect your own passions and interests. Maybe someone told you that your hobby will never amount to anything useful, so you stopped doing it. Or maybe you are just so busy trying to build the career your parents wanted for you that you have no time for any other interests.
This is a very dangerous sign. By neglecting your own passions and interests you are essentially cutting off an avenue of personal joy. Without that joy, your overall well-being can be impacted and you can find yourself just “going through the motions” without actually feeling very alive.
Even if your passion does not bring you never-ending success and financial freedom, it is an essential part of your life that you cannot ignore. We all deserve happiness, no matter where it comes from.
How to fix it:
If you have neglected your passions and interests for so long that you are not even sure if you have any, don’t worry, I have been there.
Start by writing down your perfect day. What would you do if you were completely free of all work and family commitments? If that doesn’t give you many ideas, then think back to when you were happiest growing up. What clubs and hobbies were you a part of?
Compile a list of these interests and see what you are drawn to. Perhaps test out a few or read about some, and see what interests you most now.
From there you can see how you can re-integrate your passions into your life. Whether you can pick up a hobby in your spare time, or want to completely change your career path to align with your passion. Whatever you do, just make sure you are working towards finding your own happiness.
Making decisions based on other’s expectations
Many of us base our success on a few keys points in life. Graduating, getting a promotion, buying a house and getting married are all things we should apparently be striving for. And when you reach one or all of these life milestones, you should be happy, right?
Wrong!
Just because everyone says these things should make you happy does not mean they will. In fact, the expectation of reaching these milestones could push you even further away from your own true goals.
Other people cannot dictate how you should live your life. Only you know what will make you happy and following other people’s dreams for you is not the way to do it.
How to fix it:
You need to make sure that when you are pursuing one of these life goals, you are doing it because you want it, not because society expects you to want it. If you want all of those milestones then great! But don’t start working towards something just because you think it is what you should do. There is no better way to sap yourself of happiness and control than working towards something that is not your dream.
Ask yourself what it will feel like once you have accomplished this goal. If it does not fill you with excitement and epic joy, then it probably is not your true dream. Make sure you are following the path that will make you happy and not the path that other’s think will make you happy. Otherwise you will fill your life with other people’s dreams.
Ignoring your feelings
Ignoring your feelings can be detrimental to your overall wellbeing and outlook on life. Sometimes we suppress our true feelings for the sake of others. And depending on the situation this can be your best course of action. However, most of the time suppressing your feelings is the wrong thing to do.
You could find yourself in a job that all of your family approve of and are proud of you for, but you are absolutely miserable. You don’t want to say anything because they would be disappointed. So you just stay in a miserable job, when you could be finding something that you love.
The problem with suppressing your feelings is that it can completely ruin your mindset and have a detrimental affect on your emotions. There are many cases where people suppress emotions for so long that they actually become numb to them. Soon they do not know how they feel about anything, and they have to spend years unpacking their own emotions again. They then realise they don’t like the life they are living.
How to fix it:
Whenever I feel like I am bottling up emotions about something, I like to go to a quiet room, without the distractions of other people or my phone, and just think.
Take a full inventory of your feelings and see what you find. By checking in with yourself regularly, you should be able to keep track of any changes and figure out what part of your life is making you unhappy or anxious.
As difficult as it is, once you know your true feelings about something, you have to face them. If you want to live the life you want, you will have to quit that miserable job, or tell your family that you do not like the life they have planned for you.
This can be extremely tough, but I promise you that if it gets you closer to living your authentic life, then it will all be worth it.
Prioritising Possessions over experiences
If you find yourself valuing material possessions over experiences, then you have most likely fallen victim to the materialism culture.
As we are living in the social media age, we are constantly bombarded with the next great product that everyone “has to have”. And unfortunately, due to the nature of social media, it genuinely seems like everyone you know has it!
This skews our view of what we value. Suddenly, you do think you are successful if you have the latest iPhone. And you do think you are “living your best life” if you get an iced coffee from Starbucks every morning.
Eventually, you believe that it is these things that bring you happiness and dictate your level of success.
But all of these things distract you from what is really important to you. In 10 years time will you value the iced coffees you drank or the memories you made when you went away with your friends?
How to fix it:
Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to have one or the other, but you need to make sure that you are prioritising what you value most in life, and not what others value.
Whenever you are about to buy something you think you need, stop and ask yourself how happy you will be with it if no-one knew you bought it. Ask yourself how much value it is adding to your life. Ask yourself if you actually want it!
To combat these materialistic, impulse purchases, I use the 30 day rule. If I think I want something I have to wait 30 days (until the social media hype dies down) and if I still really want it after 30 days, I am allowed to buy it. This means every purchase you make is a fully conscious decision and is less impacted by social pressures.
Once you beat the hype of materialism you will be able to prioritise what is truly important in your life.
Having many “some day…” dreams
“Some day I’m going to road trip across America. One day I’m going to start my own business. Some day I am going to write that book!”
We all have “some day” dreams. But when do you ever actually take any steps towards those dreams?
And do you have any dreams that are actually for “today” and not for “some day”?
If you all of your dreams are for “some day” then that could mean that you are putting all of your dreams on hold whilst you please others and live life how others expect you to.
I have always thought that our “some day” dreams tell us what we truly want out of life. Because they feel so far away, your imagination is not limited by self-doubt and the practicalities of life. It is very important that you don’t ignore those inner dreams because it is very likely that they are what you really want in life.
I know many “some day” dreams cannot be done yet either because they are too expensive or you are not in that place of life yet. But this is not the case for all of them!
Make sure you are not neglecting your own real dreams by focusing on what others want or expect from you right now.
How to fix it:
Create a dream board of all of your “some day” dreams. It doesn’t matter how ludicrous some of them seem, just get them all out of your head and on to paper. This will help you acknowledge them and encourage you to take them off the back burner!
Not all of them will be do-able right away, and I am not saying that you will achieve every single one in your life. But by making a dream board you can really see what you want from life and you can make sure you are always prioritising your dreams.
This will help you re-align your life so that you quit anything that is not in your vision, and stick to what will make you truly happy.
Conclusion
Sometimes, we wake up and feel like our lives are not our own anymore. We have tried to please the people around us and have inadvertently lost our true sense of self. Acknowledging that is a massive step forward.
Now you know the signs that you are living your life for others and not yourself, you can identify what parts of life you need to address. You can then take the steps needed to fix these problems and start living your life on your own terms.
Remember, reclaiming control of your life will never be easy. But having the power to live your life authentically will always be worth it.
- 12 Habits of Successful and Happy Women
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- 7 Mistakes that Rob You of Happiness
- 9 Toxic Habits that are Holding you Back in Life
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